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I closed my eyes an imagined the rain clouds above me. I pictured the drops I could hear just beginning to fall, I visualized the churning blackness above, and I did not open my eyes.Something about storms seemed beautiful to me.
After the light had blinded you and the crashes had deafened you, what was there to do but feel?
With some sick masochistic urge, I wanted to stand in the rain and get a cold. I wanted to curl up on the floor with a blanket and exist in my sickness. I wanted to forget reality. I wanted the delusions. I wanted the burn.
I was tormented.
Nightmares, daydreams, any kind of normal delusion wouldn’t do, and they hadn’t done.
I wanted total removal. I wanted a fever that removed me from myself and killed off the sickness with the heat.
I wanted a crucible.
I wanted the courage to burn the letter and move on.
I wanted to forget that she ever existed.
But I did not want to die. I was just stubborn like that.
2 comments:
have i ever mentioned how much i love you? because i do. very much so really truly madly deeply.
i am in awe. like- not even jealous. awe. i love you.
hmm. one eensy teensy mosquito-bite annoying suggestion. you know the " my" before "my sickness"? personally i like it better with a "the". sorry! but that's it. it's very good. :)
(giggle. my word verification is "frings." tee hee.)
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